The Post-Apocalyptic Kitchen at the Mississippi Market

This month, the Mississippi Market co-op is offering “Extending the Life of Perishable Foods” (Sat. Mar. 14, 1:00-3:00 pm) and “The Sustainable Kitchen” (Sat. Mar. 28, 1:00-3:00 pm).

The former posits: “With food costs so high, it’s good to know how to extend your food budget by ensuring that your perishables have as long a life as possible.” The latter: “Learn the use of speedy, accurate, inexpensive kitchen hand tools that can free you from bulky food processors, blenders, and other electrical appliances.”

Both are clearly critical classes for those wishing to survive and prosper after the inevitable coming zombie apocalypse. Here are a few more classes that we can expect to see once the economy implodes completely and Loki rides the Midgard Serpent down Hennepin Avenue.

Adam Sward / Heavy Table
Adam Sward / Heavy Table

Family Cooking
Tuesday, July 7th, 6:30-8:00 pm

Nobody wants to cook and eat a blood relative. But with the price of food these days (three bullets for a Hot Pocket!), it’s time to get flexible and learn some new tricks in the kitchen or open pit oven. Course includes recipes, three easy rationalizations (“Dad would’ve wanted it this way,” “The rules change after an apocalypse,” “Clearly, there is no God”), and some simple food styling tricks that will turn pasty Uncle Ross into tasty uncle sauce.

$10/$8 members (bullets, food or pelts also accepted)

Upon Further Consideration, Maybe Meat Isn’t Murder

Tuesday, July 14th, 6:30-8:00 pm

These days, being a vegetarian or vegan is easier, in some ways: meat is scarce, and if it’s not freshly killed, it’s probably decomposed and/or part of a zombie. But it’s also critical to maintain enough calories to avoid collapsing and dying of starvation. A class that lets you work on overcoming your own dietary and/or ethical challenges in order to seize that uncooked squirrel and transform it into the chewy but life-sustaining meal you need in order to survive until Wednesday.

$10/$8 members

Taking Apart an Entire Deer Using Only A Sharpened Rock

Friday, July 17th, 6:30-8:00 pm

Pretty much what the title says. Get yourself some skin, meat, bones (which can be sharpened into impromptu spears), warpaint, etc. Also applies to elk, Marmaduke-style dogs… basically any large, edible quadruped. Class fee includes a bloody piece of meat wrapped in an oak leaf.

$15/$12 members (admission free with a deer or other large, edible quadruped)

Pets in the Kitchen and/or Stockpot
Saturday, July 18th, 1:00-3:00 pm

Out of family members? Never fear! If the various stray cats, dogs or even ferrets roaming the ruined streets of Minneapolis and St. Paul could talk, surely they’d say: “Cook us up! We’re delicious! Remember that herbs and spices make even gamey standard poodles taste delectable!”

$10/$8 members (plus suggested donation of one comfortably zaftig cat)


  1. Kris

    Absolutely hilarious!!! More so because we’ve already had the discussion about where to hole up in the event of a zombie apocalypse. You must be a Shaun of the Dead fan.

  2. Sena

    I had to read it twice to get that the bottom class list was a spoof… rather wanted to sign up for the deer class. I remember there being something like that — every fall the U of MN’s Anthropology Club does a ‘Neolithic Picnic & BBQ’ where they knapp stone tools, butcher a deer, and then cook it over a fire. Maybe they’re still doing it?

  3. David

    @ Suzanne – humour is a way of confronting things we can’t confront otherwise. This post is funny, at the same time it is chilling – these will not be jokes forever. At many times, in many places, these have been reality. Our future is looking likely to be the same…

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