The Peanut Butter Caulking Gun

There’s no getting around the fact that a caulking gun is a marvelously useful device. It forces a thick, adhesive, sealing compound into cracks or holes, thereby effecting quick and reliable household repairs.

Peanut butter is delicious. It’s also thick, adhesive, and often directed into cracks (such as those between two slices of bread) and holes (such as the mouth of a person who enjoys eating peanut butter, or Combos.)

You see where this is going.

What if you’re driving around in your car and you want the pleasure and protein of peanut butter without the hassle of unscrewing a lid, obtaining a knife, spreading peanut butter, cleaning up the knife, and screwing the lid back on?

Peanut butter caulking gun.

What if you’re at an informal gathering wherein guests have been imbibing of spirituous liquids, and you need to make an exciting demonstration of your culinary daring?

Peanut butter caulking gun — again.

What if an escaped sex predator forces his way into your house at 2 in the morning?

Probably a real gun would be the better choice here. That said, it’s entirely possible that a peanut butter caulking gun would at least confuse him long enough for you to grab something more substantial, like a fireplace poker or a claw hammer.

The beauty — no, strike that, one of the many beautiful things about the peanut butter caulking gun is that it could be equipped with a vertically divided cylinder. Half peanut butter… half jam. Half peanut butter… half honey. Half chunky peanut butter, half creamy peanut butter. All you need to do is rotate the nozzle: peanut butter… peanut butter and jam… just jam… closed.

The Peanut Butter Caulking Gun: $4.99 at a store near you, 10 or 20 years from now, if there’s any justice in the world.