The wrapper around Bernatello’s new Lotzza Motzza Brew Pub Pizza promises over a half pound of Wisconsin cheese; the product’s website states that the pizza is “…for the Hungry Man! No weak stomachs allowed! You better be ready to Man-Up! A Serious Pizza Coma is in your Future!”
This new Wisconsin-made premium frozen pizza packs a price commensurate with its hefty load of lactic goodness: we paid $8 for a pepperoni Brew Pub Pizza at Kowalski’s.
After 20 minutes in the oven, the pizza came out looking like something from a 1970s horror film — brown and orange, melty, threatening and comic in equal proportions. The good news is that the company doesn’t bluff about its cheese: there are piles of it on this pizza, and it’s of reasonable quality — a bit oily, but properly salty with some stretch and flavor.
The bad news is that the developers of Brew Pub decided to offer “more than half a pound of Wisconsin cheese!” and then essentially quit there. The crust is of the thin, undistinguished, cracker-like variety, and brings nothing to the party except for structure. The tangy-but-garden variety sauce would be decent on any other conventional frozen pizza, but in this context it’s lost under the avalanche of cheese, buried like a red mitten in a blizzard. Pepperoni also went completely missing in action under the snowdrift of cheese.
So, cheesy, yes. Pizza coma, sure. Good pizza, no. William Blake wrote that “the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom”; if that’s truly the case, we can expect version 2.0 of Lozza Mozza Brew Pub to be a perfectly balanced home run of a pizza.