What’s the first commandment of eating? Keep your mind open and your palate unprejudiced.
It’s a fine credo, and one that I, a velociraptor, attempt to keep at the forefront whether I’m dining upon exotic bearskin-wearing, club-wielding Neanderthals or just lunching on a saber-toothed tiger.
That said: I cannot — I simply cannot — get behind this “tofu” stuff they’re selling over at the Wedge Co-op in Uptown, Minneapolis.
More than once, the word “meat” came up when I asked about it. “Meat substitute,” they said. Yeah. Right. If you consider Lady Gaga a substitute for Madonna, maybe tofu is a meat substitute. You know what I mean, the original Material Girl.
Anyway, here is the story: this stuff is actually made from plants. You heard me: plants, which are inedible.
I tried three varieties of tofu in my quest to give the stuff a try: White Wave, Nasoya, and Nature’s Soy. And, let’s see, I give them the following grades: FAIL, FAIL, and FAIL with a side order of HUURBLAAGH.
There is no blood in this tofu. There’s is no earthy, wonderful flesh. They are all completely meat-free! Whatta joke.
Now, burgers. That’s what I’m talking about. Next week, I’ll try three different kinds of burgers. They will all be delicious. That’s a prediction, not a promise, so stay tuned.
Who knew that velociraptors had a sense of humor? EAT ME
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