The Worst Pitches of 2013

We love getting food news here at Heavy Table HQ. We wouldn’t exist without getting tidbits and scoops from readers, restaurateurs, food industry entrepreneurs, and, yes, public relations professionals. But among the thousands of emails we get each year, there’s a lot of chaff to separate from the wheat. Though often entertaining, the press releases and emails arriving in our inbox can be irrelevant, off topic and, occasionally, offensive.

We noticed that these pitches can be grouped into five general categories:

  • The poorly targeted: releases for events in New York, Los Angeles, or anywhere outside the Upper Midwest, or promoting celebrity chefs who have no connection to this market
  • The unintelligible: emails promoting non-food items, such as toilet paper or mobile antiques dealers
  • The no-news: “tips” on new products that have no local connection or aren’t remotely interesting
  • The really-off-the-wall: releases about using kitchen equipment inappropriately or joining an obscure manufacturing association
  • The overly literal: inquiries about purchasing tables

So as the year winds down, we present the “highlights” of 2013 news gathering. Original spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been preserved.

Category 1: The Poorly Targeted, or “Do You Know We Live in Minnesota?”

Did you know that this is the year people started bonding over TV shows? While drinking?

In 2013, watching hit TV shows, like The Walking Dead, is the tread that ties strangers and loved ones together. Whether a perfect stranger, a relative you haven’t seen in years or a longtime friend, we all instantly bond over our love for Glenn and Maggie.

The Line Group’s hotspot Sons of Essex is giving New Yorkers the chance to bond with friends old and new by opening its doors to fans of The Walking Dead with a viewing party for the hit show. Beginning with the October 13th season premier, Sons of Essex will host a viewing party for The Walking Dead each week, complete with commercial break commentary and specialty themed drinks.

And that people celebrate National Bologna Day in suburban Chicago?

 If you stop into the Wiener and Still Champion, 802 Dempster St Evanston IL, on National Bologna Day, Oct 24, we’ll put some Country Fried Bologna on your burger for Free.  Just remember to ask for the fried bologna when you place your order.

Category 2: The Unintelligible, or “What Are You Smoking?”

We specialize in exporting bearings, especially for Tapered Roller Bearing, Deep Groove Ball Bearing, Needle Roller Bearing,  Pillow Blocks, Rod Ends, Linear Ball Bearing, etc.

I hope we can start our business soon as we have already exported bearings to America, U.K., Austria, Italy, Serbia, Iran & Pakistan,etc, quality and service are well accepted.
Please also check our products of steel ball as below:
(1. )  Chrome steel balls AISI52100, from the size 0.8mm to 200mm.
(2. )  Carbon steel balls, from 0.8mm~50.8mm, including low carbon steel balls
(AISI1010,AISI1015), high carbon steel balls (AISI1045,AISI1085)
(3.) Stainless steel balls
a.  AISI440C steel balls: 3.175mm~~~120mm, with the grade of G16 to G1000.
b. AISI420B/AISI420C steel balls: 1.5875~~~25.4mm, with the grade G10 to G1000.
c. AISI302/304/304L steel balls: with the size of 1.5875mm to 25.4mm
d. AISI316/316L steel balls: with the size of 1.5875mm to 25.4mm
(5.) Brass/Bronze , Aluminum ball, Plastic balls, Ceramic balls & Alloy balls
Awaiting for your prompt reply!

Thanks, but the only balls we’re interested in are meatballs.

Nice to contact you. Well known you are strong in tissue paper market.

We provide all ranges of tissue paper products, such as
1.Commercial Restroom paper: Toilet paper, Paper Hand towel, Toilet seat covers.
2.Household paper: Toilet roll,Facial tissue, Kitchen paper, Paper napkins.
Multiple specifications available;
Multiple grades (virgin pulp, mix pulp, recycled pulp) available;
Specifications  customized;
OEM available.
10 years of experience in foreign business help us expertly handle your orders.
Via our owned professional cargo service team offering ONE PACKAGE SERVICES from Brand Design to producing to shipping to Port/Door, save your cost and time.
We try best to support new customer develop market, such as accept small amount order, LCL shipment or Multiple items mix container.

Any inquiries on the tissue paper  products please do not hesitate to contact us.
We are looking forward to establish win-win business relations with you.

Well, if it’s win-win!

Hey, we’re working Action officially now, couldn’t be more psyched. First thing is this food show he launched Friday with Vice, going to be ongoing. Definitely factors into the bigger story on him and his role in the culture.

Secondly, he’s dropping Blue Chips 2 with Party Supplies next week. This promo is for you alone, don’t share or announce please. Hoping you can get a review together for it.


Category 3: The No-News, or “Seriously?”

Sriracha Sauce is everywhere you look nowadays from potato chips to syrup. So it is with great excitement that we are introducing the Sriracha Egg Sandwich featuring Sriracha sauce, the versatile and addictive sweet, hot chili sauce named the “coolest condiment on the table” by The Huffington Post to its summer menu.

Well, if the Huffington Post says it’s cool, that’s all we need to know.

Sometimes we don’t even get words, just photos.

pizza-photos(To be fair: The subject line of the message was rich in content: “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL and PIZZA!!!!!”)

Category 4: The Really-Off-the-Wall, or “Um, Wow”

Would you be interested in acquiring newly updated 5,000 Meat Packing industry professionals?

Not really.

 Just wanted to give you a heads up on Blendtec’s latest Will It Blend? Here we see Tom gut-wrenchingly destroy a number of iPhones, including the gold iPhone 5s.

What did an iPhone ever do to you?

Fat Jew & Jonny Sollis use MyCheck

But does Skinny Jew?

Nothing quite feels like a Bud heavy hangover. Our recommendation is to keep in mind you’re not going to avoid bad decisions. We all make them! So drink the beer and avoid the hangover with Blowfish for Hangovers! Blowfish for Hangovers is a hangover remedy with a formulation recognized by the FDA as effective to treat hangover symptoms. This powerful morning-after remedy combines maximum strength pain reliever and caffeine in an effervescent tablet to deliver rapid relief from hangover symptoms such as dehydration, headache, nausea, and fatigue.

It’s worth noting that the person who sent this email signed it with kisses.

Category 5: The Overly Literal, or “We Don’t Actually Sell Tables”

Am Bob I want to know whether you carry (Pub Tables) in stock for sale.If you do so kindly email me with the sizes and the price ranges on that so that i will know the quantity to offer and also i want to know if you accept credit card as form of payment.Awaiting for your prompt reply.

A selection of other inquiries received include the following: cafe tables, riser tables, lift tables, pressing tables, baker table, table bell, cafeteria tables, bistro table, shop tables, lab table, dining tables, KITCHEN TABLE, DIE LIFT TABLE, butchers table, table pans, Table Tops(36″ up to 42″ SQUARE 4 ), Hot Food Table, top table, Grill Tables, Table truck, Down Draft Table, pool tables, Bar Table, Expanding Table, Dish Tables, and — simple and to the point — TABLES.

On a side note, if anyone has a tip on a Hot Food Table, we’d like one for our next staff potluck.


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